Rennie's Reading suggestion

Yes, I actually am writing a personal blog.

I am currently reading "Enjoying Where You Are On the Way To Where You Are Going" by Joyce Meyer (when does she have the time to write so many books?!?!)

The first 3 Chapters sang to me. Especially Chapter 2. I'm on the 4th or 5th chapter now. It's opening my mind and it's helping AND teaching me how to really ENJOY life, helping me to overcome and understand dread, regret andmany other faults that I have let bog me down for over 25 years.

It's no secret I suffer from major depression and Sever Anxiety, well, it's not anymore. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and don't produce enough serotonin. I was born with it. It's genetic apparently and being adopted my parents didn't know the signs and I guess I came off pretty moody a lot or overreacted to the least of the littlest things at times...I repeat...at times. I am outgoing but scared a lot, I have a happy go lucky attitude (or so I like to think that) most of the times yet deep inside I'm so anxious The bad anxious kind, not the "OH, I can't wait to open that Christmas present" anxious.

I was miserable off and on for years yet I did the best I could and because of God, who gave me the best parents a child could ask for, laughter got me through A LOT, still does. I am a huge cut up, always have been, it's in the family and goes way back and apparently I'm raising another silly little being...Taylor. She's a joy. And luckily I see no signs of depression or anxiety from her. I have the knowledge and the insight and I decided when she was still in the womb that I was going to watch for these things because I can help her early and she wouldn't have to go through all the needless feeling I struggled with for so many years and still do.

She is a little more shy at times when I wish she wasn't but she's the best. She is one of my best friends. We've got a great open communication relationship and that is exactly the way I want it to stay, and some of you may be thinking, "Oh, just you wait." I know that there will be the teen years and I am not looking forward to that at all, but I feel Joey and I are doing a great job raising her and I don't see her being a problem at all, well not all the time.

Long story short, I have a problem with self-worth, I have a problem with what others think of me, I am the best procrastinator on this planet, I worry about everything, I think way to much over the simplest things, everything has to be just so, I am a perfectionist.......and so it goes.

I was married once before. I married right before my 21st birthday to who I thought was the man of my dreams (if my mom is reading this right now, she is gagging...lol) but little did I know I was in for a heck of a ride. He was emotional abusive, then physical towards the end. He had brained washed me from thinking he was the only man on the planet, NO the universe that would ever love me. Little did I know but I was his trophy wife, yet he treated me like a dog at times infront of friends and his relatives. I stayed married to him for a year and half. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be a divorcee, never. You marry for life, right? But my friends could see me change from this silly lady to a shy shell of a woman. i couldn't go anywhere alone, I was scared. If I visited my parents in McMinnville, I had this overwhelming feeling I must go home, I must get back to him, only to find him not there anyway.

So I divorced him and it took many years to get the funny Rennie back, the person who could hold her head up and walk into Wal-mart alone. Sounds easy but that was a hard one to over come. To feel ok to be alone, be by myself.

There are still scars in my heart and head from the abuse and that has left me with a lot of terrible feelings about myself that I am still today this day EVEN though I am remarried to THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, JOEY and we will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary this New years Eve!!!

But anyway, you add depression and anxiety on top of abuse or perhaps those maybe the very thing that causes these problems for me but my heart has been heavy with constant worry, anxiety, fear, dread, even feelings of guilt and I've not done one thing that I should feel guilty about and I know it, so why? Why do I feel this way?

Well, this book has laid out many things and defined many of these very words, defined them and even follows up with scriptures assuring me why there are these feelings and I know and I didn't have to read this book to know this but I do know my Heavenly Father loves me I know Jesus loves me. But I'm plagues with these hmmm...let's call them "quirks."

At any rate this book fell in my hands when I was hungry to find why I feel the way I do and I wanted the feelings to go away, I wanted to do something about this. You know I asked myself for years "How do I handle these unnecessary" feelings and she has given me some insight about just letting go. Past is past. I understand that God did not give me fear, as she says...

"We know that God has not given us a spirit of fear and since He did not give us fear, we know that He did not give us dread either. As a matter of fact, the Bible teaches us in several places not to dread."

"Dread is like fear---it draws disaster. It is Satan's open door to bring in the feared or dreaded." "'Relish the moment's a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24, This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

Oh and how I love this: "It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today."

"Regret of the past and dread of the future are both thieves of joy."

"In order to live as God intends for us to live, the first thing we must do is truly believe that it is God's will for us to experience continual joy. Then we must decide to enter into that joy." - Joyce Meyer

She goes on and quotes many scriptures which Jesus revealed that it is God's will for us to enjoy life.

Now, I know God loves me. I know He wants me to be happy. And to enjoy life to the fullest but I couldn't seem to pull myself up and realize that Satan has been stealing a lot of my joy. I think I have had some cracks in me and he has found a way in and I not knowing or even thinking that Satan, himself, has had something to do with. You know I forget about Satan a lot. My love for God and his Son, I never think about Satan trying so hard to work on everybody. Never thinking he could be working on me.

I don't like admitting that apparently he's been working on me. Trying his hardest to bring me down and I daily struggle with insecurities even when I am just sitting at home alone much less when I need to go out in public. My anxiety doesn't help matters and the depression either.

I just wanted to share this book or rather suggest it for anyone struggling with how to make the decision to ENJOY life, get over those unnecessary feelings of dread or regret, unexplainable feelings of guilt and ways to simplify your life (that's the chapter I am on now...wonderful) and apparently so much more.

I just felt the need to pass this book along. And have meant to write about this a few days ago but alas, I procrastinated...lol.

Love you dearly, ~Rennie~